I stood at the ktichen sink, looked up the ceiling and said to myself, “I won’t see a cockroach tonight.”

Then I placed my head back in place, and there, to my right, a giant cockroach sat happily eating some fruit skin.

Everyone walks with their heads down here. Why? Cos you don’t want to step into a puddle full of algae or a hole because a few bricks are missing.

My bed and blanket is moist. No, I didn’t pee on them. The weather, the weather.

There is mould on the wall in my bedroom.

I got cool shades.

There is really nothing to do in the house except playing with the adorable puppy called Ting Ting and the abandoned old cat that doesn’t have a name. It doesn’t want to play with anyone too.

I spent two whole days and night trying to whip out a new design for this blog and this is it, it’s is not at all what I wanted.

I gave up trying to design it from scratch, I just ripped and modified. I really sat at this desk and didn’t move my ass off, I am so, so determined to get a new design but unfortunately this is what I came out with.

I haven’t slept yet, and I got half an hour to sleep before my mother kicks my door down. Yes I am leaving soon for the airport. A long 3 weeks trip/holiday/nightmare.

I hope I can post and blog at China and Honkieland.

My phone’s on auto-roaming so you can still contact me at: 9xx53xx4.

And I am missing the Ed Banger Tour on Sat, I am missing Uffie, damn it.

No boosters.

There are a lot of things on my mind lately, really.

I never felt so full-of-thoughts. My head is constantly in the middle of a speech. And every tiny thought is screaming their little heads off for attention.

I got my 2nd hand DSLR today. I have so little in my bank, I really need money to drop from the sky.

And it is not making me feel better I finally got a DSLR because I feel like an idiot, I have no idea how to use it. I am actually on Wikipedia and reading beginner’s guides to digital photography on things like ISO speed.

I really hope I can get a new theme out before I fly off.

I am leaving in a few days time.

I never felt so stressed out about planning for a trip, I think I know why. I think because I think I have finally grown up (well, grown up not meaning I am wise and old kind of sense) and I think the inner evil me wants my relatives to know that. And this time I am going back as a 20 year old kid and not just tagging along with my parents or sister, or actually not always hiding behind them.

I came home last night and thought about something for the first time. I think about how I would probably dislike myself so much if I were someone else meeting me. Maybe it’s work, maybe it’s too much or too little time on my hands, I judged myself. And it’s just not flaws I know I have but how I am as a person, how I communicate to other human beings, the way I present myself. Am I like this because I really this shitty or is there some reason behind it like it’s a way of life, way to defend myself or I have a disorder?

I have been thinking about it for this whole week. And everytime I do, I just wanna hide under my bed and pretend I never exist. It’s a sense of shame and guilt and anger.

It’s a long battle: to be who I am or behave to please others and probably myself. Did I just sound like some idiotic and attention-seeking teens posting this on Friendster? I hope not cos really sometimes questions are cheesy and senseless but it’s not when you ask that from the bottom of your heart.

Get it? I probably lost everyone already.

I am trying to get new tracks for my ipod, for planes rides, bus rides, adults talks etc. you know.

I dreamed I had an interview at the ultra cool design/architect firm whose studio is a loft. And you can press some buttons and blue walls will move all over and transform to swimming pools, rooms, computers will pop out and etc.

PMS maybe I think but I have been kind of stressed and frustrated with the whole trip back to HK and China and preparing for everything. Like the feeling of wanting to do and not wanting to do something,
or simply being damn fickle-minded,
and being annoyed,
and being like a brag,
and everything that don’t sound too nice.

It’s warm, I am off to bed now at 6.19am.

Baaaaaaah.

Steve Aoki was amazing beyond amazing and so awesome you can die last night at Zouk. I was right in front of him at the barricade, we managed to squeeze through the crowd right to the front. Steve Aoki is seriously the cutest and coolest DJ man. He was around running Zouk interacting with everyone and moshing and sharing beers and liquors and dancing. It was probably even better than Zoukout cos he got to interact with the crowd more. But you don’t really get space to dance.

The set was just so damn awesome although there were some drunk and sweaty white guys being assholes.

Well, I managed to grab his leg and shake Mark Cobrasnake’s hand and get the most awesome view and interactions right in the front.

So yes, the night was awesome except for one thing: my phone got stolen.

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Now I am using a black and white phone that makes my sister laugh everytime it rings. So please if your love me enough, pass me your numbers.

There are a couple of things I really need to do before I head back to Hong Kong and China.

And I haven’t done any.

It’s Friday, I can head out or stay home and complete my ‘please do list’.

OR, go out and run some errands.

Maybe really I shouldn’t stay at home, staying home drives me crazy. Even right now, listen to the sound the spinning fan makes me irritated.