Alright, so everything was settled (note the was).

I didn’t get a reply from the photographer. I already gave up actually. Andrew and Kim asked me to email Seventeen magazine so I did. I also called this lady (Esther) looking for an photo assistant.

We were at Sentosa when Seventeen called. They accepted me as an intern. And for Esther, they are looking more of permanant full-time and they do class portrait which..er isn’t very appealing.

Ok, to cut the long story short. I can’t intern at Seventeen magazine anymore. They are willing to take me but they can only take me in on the 15th April and my school is not willing to let me start on the 15th.

I was this fucking close. I gave up and Seventeen called. I thought..finally everything is settled. I have been dying these few words for months “Yes, we accept you as an intern.” Never these few words sounds like heaven. Seventeen probably is not the best but still, it sounds cool to work there.

And now everything is gone.

And just as I am typing this entry, I called Fiona and she giving me a contacts for a photo studio. She said and I quote her “good news only”. So let’s hope it is really good news. Cos after all these false hopes, stupid HR shit, interviews, callings, I don’t trust all these corporate working humans.

And I am still waiting for Fiona’s call for the contacts.

False hopes are draining, extremely draining. And probably the fact that I have such high expectation for myself (unknowningly I do I guess), when everything collapse, it hits me hard.

I wanna thank my sister. You know I hate this kind of mushy stuff but yeah thanks for hearing me rant about emoness (whether it is practical or not) and especially for my SIP nonsense. Thank God I have an elderly sister with experience with HR and stuff. I asked her about everything like how to phrase sentences properly and even ask her to write my cover letter for me. And thanks for picking up my calls about the stupidest thing like whether I should call the editor or HR person and stuff. You have been a great help.

Let’s keep quiet and wait for Auntie Fiona to call.

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15 minutes later.
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I got a damn job! It’s a photo job and it’s near my house. I went a whole big round to get a photo job.

Today is Monday. I was suppose to get a reply from a photographer. He recieved my email, I messaged him today to remind him I need a reply. And..

No reply.

I am quite sure he don’t want me then. I got 2 days left to hope.

Everyone is asking me about my SIP. Messages, calls, MSN, people I meet..I know everyone cares but I am so damn stressed out.

I woke up at 2pm today. Ate, read my sister’s Cleo and went to Rachel’s surprise party. I got really emo when everyone started to leave..and I panicked.

Luckily I had Perryn with me. I talked to her and felt so much better. Thank you everyone who is so concerned for me. Even people I am not really close to..your little words of encourage here and there touched me. Like Esther, Per, Mat..Don.

As I said before, I never realised how much people/ friends matter till recently. Maybe it’s a cry of desperation all along..I just needed people all along just that I never open up.

So tomorrow I will go tanning with Kim and Andrew. Well, hopefully we are cos Kim got to go to school first. If not, I prob might go Sentosa alone or some public pool. Or I might cycle down to the Animal Resort farm near my place.

I need to free my mind. Maybe I need a 3 months break. Maybe I need to learn to relax for 3 months. Maybe I need to do some soul searching for 3 months.

By the way,

Happy 16th Rachel. Stay pretty and cute and I hope you read this but I don’t think you would.

Today, I finally met up with Stef. I haven’t seen her for very long. We met up for very short while as well. She kissed me 2 times.

We hanged out in store. Then she left, I stayed in store for a while before heading to Prinsep Street.

I ate dinner at Sunshine Plaza. Andy drove us up to Mount Sophia. We wanted to climb in to our old church but some sorong security guard chased us out.

Then we drove to Per’s house, wanting to get her car then drive out to chill in the east. In the end, I stayed in the car with Dixon while the rest played wierd games downstairs Per’s house.

Then it’s home.

See, today is ok. Just ok again but the waiting is killing me.

Monday and Wednesday needs to come faster. Wednesday will be the deciding day: Internship or 3 months holiday?

Today was alright. I went to work.

I keep hugging Shuping cos I was lonely and everyone was bullying me. I saw Don but forgot to give him a Koala hug.

I will see Don tomorrow and I will jump on him.

The company searching is moving along. Nancy said she will give me the deadline of 28th March if not I will do SIP in 2008. She didn’t sound too happy.

Today was ok really, just ok.

The last 2 days has been terrible, I was so extremely moody..like I had totally no control over myself. What made it really bad yesterday was that Nancy called to tell me Floresco Productions rejected me. They want a guy to carry equipments and stuff.

I was really damn disappointed. The only reason is cos I am not a guy. I had all my hopes for this company..I love the place, the environment and finally I found a company. Everyone has a company already and many of them in really good companies. The deadline for this internship is way over. Nancy (lecturer) has arranged an interview for me later at this company. They do design..no photography and stuff. She said she can’t find anymore photo companies for me. So I am going to an interview later..that I totally have no interest in.

I guess what disappoints me the most is that I was so excited about this SIP thing, ready to take a break from school to work for real and trust God with everything. I guess the real disappointment is with God.

Yeah yeah, I don’t act like a Christian but if you know me well enough my religion is everything to me.

I can’t even sleep without having a nightmare about depression.

Yesterday I took the bus home from school without listening to my Ipod. Do you ever had times you just wanna listen and feel everything around you and feel you are living the moment? I was really down. I sat on the bus, listen to the sounds of the wheels, the noisy air-con running, workers chatting about work and looking at a man with curly hair, loafers, a pants too short for him carrying a green bag. I needed every sound and sight to keep me firmly in reality.

I was at Rivervale on the way home at 11.45pm. I was lost in my thoughts..all the shit. And then Don messaged me. As usual we talked shit. I suddenly came out of those shit thoughts and smiled. Really. I love Don. He is probably not someone who knows too much about me but I truely appreciate him. He is someone who does what he says. As much as he is damn annoying at work, he never fail to do everything that needs to be done and more.

He messaged me on Sunday night and asked me how I was cos he said I looked distracted that afternoon. I didn’t know anyone would noticed. He seem like a big and fierce and of cos annoying guy but he’s a gentle giant.

I think to me, I don’t need many friends or many people that understands me but I need people who do what they say, mean what they say and don’t go back on it. They don’t say things to please you or pretend to care for you.

I love you Donny don don doooon, that’s why you are my work husband. I will give you Koala hug :)

Anyway, today is better. I cleared my mind a little and called a few companies and send them my portfolio. Just hope they get back to me ASAP before Nancy force me into that unknown company at Boon Keng.

Today is the last day of CDS, basically the last day of class before I start my SIP. Everything is just hard. Even everyday chores like taking a bus or washing the dishes are hard cos of the things that constantly in my head that brings me down.

Maybe I can blame it on the PMS. I miss my period last month, I guess cos I wasn’t eating and was stressed. Yes I am positive, I am not pregnant.

Today, I woke up and cab down to HQ for deployment class. The class was ok, it was 4 hours. After that, Zester drove me home.

Then I slept, woke up for dinner. The day was ok until at night.

I thought I was ok already but I felt it coming back yesterday night. Just now was bad, almost unbearable.

I laid on my bed in the dark and stared at the wall, I like I couldn’t see the pictures on it.

Other then that, it was terrible, everything was quiet..like it finally gave in and died.

Sharon, I dedicated the title of this post to you. Sharon of Starbucks LT verbally sexually harassed me. She said she wants to clip my ******. She damn dirty man..she look damn innocent all cutsy and all but NOOO. She is sick and dirty-minded, don’t let her touch you. Please run if you she walking towards you with a tong..like food tong not like G-string but if she does, you better be hoping into a cab.

Added new links, I will link you if I love you so go see whether I love you.

I need a new layout for this blog soon. I love this but everyone needs changes.

Anyway, I went for an interview at Floresco Productions on Thursday. I think I 90% got the internship unless there’s some last minute changes. The woman wants me to think over the weekend am I keen on this job before they make a final decision. Well she told me she likes me, nice portfolio. The company is at River Valley, very cool office..but very hard to get to as well. I hope I get it really. I don’t think Wai Teik wants me..my portfolio is terrible and they are a well-known company so basically high standards.

OH, the woman who interview said:
“You seem very cheerful, that’s really good. There is this sunshine personality in you.”

So YZ, do you agreeeeee?

I am sunshine. Wait till my high period is over, I will be thunderstorm and maybe earthquake. I can feel it diminishing which not a good sign.

School has been fine. my module is over almost. I will have like a week of hols before I start my (hopefully I have one) internship. I want to date my lecturer, really. As we all know, the internet is scary, people google or yahoo you easily so I will not type too much. But really, I want to date my lecturer.

Work has been fun, I constantly annoy people and people constantly scolds me.

So this week was alright, I am still in the happy, crazy, talk alot mood which I guess isn’t a bad thing since it really entertains everyone.

Last Saturday, I went MOS. The RnB was really bad but I had a hell lot of fun at 54, the retro room. I guess I was having fun with myself. I drank and danced till I got high. I was really in my own world of doing wierd dance. I love it there, it’s the only place I can dance non-stop.

I don’t know how to dance to RnB, I look funny but I damn pro at retro so ask me out on Mambo nights and you will learn some amazing (damn wierd actually) dance steps from me.

As the week went by and often lost in my crazy talking, I had one thing on my mind. I kept hoping for someone, just really some random man or woman off the streets, customers or whatever to come up to me to share their life. Really..just simply talking to me about life. I was really hoping for it..I don’t know why..I guess I want someone to tell me I am not alone, I am wierd but not the only one. So the week past and no one came till last Saturday.

Last Saturday after clubbing I went down to store to meet Naz, Mae, Shereem, Zul and Naz’s friend. We were just chilling out when a magician performed for us. I was damn amazed man, he was damn good. After that, he sat down and chilled with us and started sharing his life.

I never expect it to happen..but it did, see..a totally random man just sat down and share his life with us. I told God that, just make someone appear..I’ll wait and it did.

He’s a really nice guy, sad person like me.

He came down today actually while I was working, had a chat with him while I had my break. Oh btw, he taught us the coin and card tricks soooo muahahahaha, wait till I master it.

Anyway, he’s a real nice guy, someone I can connect to..not just with surface talk. I have a new friend.

On Friday, I watched 2 movies with Audrey Benedict. We watched The History Boys and Half Nelson. I love Half Nelson man..awesome show, go watch it people.

And there’s ants in my room again.

I will stop talking now. Basically last week left me with one thought:

It’s just amazing how everyone’s lives interwine and how every event changes something in your life.