It’s over, all over. The deadlines are over. I wasn’t all that happy with my work, my landscape photos is bad, my applied illustration wasn’t all that good but I tried my best and IT’S OVER.

Now’s it just SIP for my to worry about. I will be having my interview with Play on tuesday, I hope everything goes well.

On the day I submitted my work (ok just yesterday), I fell sick. I fell terribly sick. And it did not help I didn’t really eat the whole day. I drank a small cup of milo and ate a small bread. I don’t know why, yesterday was terrible..my body was aching mad fuck..my head was having a thunderstorm and earthquake party. I came home to sleep, only to have a nightmares after nightmares and kept waking up.

I just came back from the doctors, I had high fever. The doctor said I have a throat infection, my throat is swelling. I ate my medicine and now I am fine, just damn damn damn stone. I had a blood test too just now, so I am more stone then ever. I never had an injection/ blood test for a while, the feeling was damn good man. Yes I love needles..the pain is just damn good. No, no kinky stuff in my head.

Ok, I am off to take a nap maybe before lunch. I am meeting Hilmi for movie, haven’t seen him in a while. Woo.

Ok goodbye and have a good day. Howdy partner.

I was mad pixeling. It takes like an hour to do a building so you can guess I haven’t done much but it’s ok. I don’t give a fuck about Applied Illustration anymore..my lecturer is just crazy. I actually planned to not do my final assignment and concentrate on the others but appearently I will fail the whole elective so I will just have to hand in some shit work.

She say she rather shit work than no work so fine.

Just a night away and everything will be over. This time till submission is the toughest time.

Yes I am going to make it.

I hate the rushing to Fotohub to collect photos, rushing to school bookshop to get mounting boards, mount, print.

Yes I will make it. I better not give up like yesterday.

Talked to Perryn on the phone just now, yes I hate phone calls but I had to clear my mind so I talked to her. Whether he/she/it helps or not, you need to talk..like speak your mind to clear it.

Ok, I am going to make it.  I might scream at everyone.

I am listening to Dashboard everyday, like only Dashboard. I love them, damn good lyrics but it makes you damn emo, not good..shit.

Anyway, it’s a Wednesday. I am sure it happens to everyone: When you work so damn hard..doing work day and night, no sleep, no food, work damn hard..then almost close to submission date..you reached your limits and you don’t give a fuck anymore. You then put your work aside and party hard/slack hard.

Yea and that’s me now. I have been slacking off for 3 days, out everyday till late or ok..home at 6am. And it’s back to reality and I can’t find any motivation to start. Fucking hate this feeling. I am doing my packaging for Applied Illustration now. I am doing pixel. I am telling you pixel art is maddness and it’s not the easier thing to do. Now I am thinking whether I should change it, to vectoring. But I wanted to do pixel art all along..but but fuck. I don’t wanna think about it.

And it isn’t helping I am having more to think about recently. Fuck fuck fuck fuck, I will drink green tea.

And Play finally replied me! Oh my goooooodness, yay..I thought they don’t want me anymore. The creative director replied me saying cos of Chinese New Year he didn’t reply. He sound like a damn nice guy, all his email damn informal with Singlish all. He asked for more people to come down to interview too so if you are interested call me.

Ok I am going to go on ranting if I don’t stop soon. I am going to pray now. Serious.

Talk to me. I am lonely, I am always lonely, I am a freak inside. Fuck serious..not PMSing.

Yup yup yup, you are back. Whhhhy, fuck.

So it’s Chinese New Year everyone. I hate CNY. I hate the visiting cos it’s boring..you just sit there while you hear your parents catch up about life with their friends then you get red packets.

I guess I don’t like CNY because I don’t have any relatives around. I do wish I grew up with relatives, it would be different. I still remember CNY when I was young, in China..it was damn fun, all the firecrackers (yes, real ones) and stuff. The mood was there.

Ok, I am not really thinking right right now. See, my family and Jpaul (sis’s bf) had steamboat at home just now then we headed to Hougang to the fairfun to meet the guys. It’s like those damn old school funfair with rides. We took 2 rides, everyone got damn nausea. Everyone just ate before that. Both rides were those turn, turn, drop, spin, 360 degrees kind. Yea so basically we all had my stomachs chured like mad cows. I hate this feelings, it’s like the after club feeling. This time, shorter, no drinks, fast effect.

I guess I hate CNY even more this year. I have work to do. School work. I have submissions during the holiday and I need to rush for more submissions when the holidays ends. And I have my SIP on my mind. I think I am going to call in and cancel the interview I have with the company in Tuas..it’s crazy to travel to Tuas.

After 2 days of rushing submissions day and night, I am slacking off. Shit.

Yesterday me and sis went to Bryant and Mervin’s house for steamboat. We had intellectual conversations. The night ended with Prata. Damn Upper Thomson Prata made us wait for an hour plus..long story.

Basically my tummy is still churing, I am sleepy and I don’t want to be home.

I am tired but I am not sleepy cos I drown 3 cans of Red Bull.

Today didn’t start off well. I had to go to school to consult my lecturer with the too little I had done. Then I went to store to redo my Coffee Master paper. When on the bus to work, I planned my week and it’s going to be a crazy week. I really can’t, can’t, can’t complete my tasks. Maybe, just maybe possible if I need not sleep at all for the whole week. And don’t need to blink my eyes.

I felt I was about to cry on the bus. I had so many things on my mind, to do, to redo, to plan, to get ready for, to go..it’s just impossible with this Chinese New Year holiday visiting nonsense. Everything, every single deadline is on the 23th and I am having my Coffee Master Level 2 paper on the 24th. I can’t even study for it.

I got down the bus, went to Far East to get Red Bull and lunch. I was walking fast, real fast..as if if I walk faster, it would be 27 hours a day not 24. It was crowded cos it’s a Friday. I was cursing and swearing at everyone who is blocking my way. I hate the feeling, of thinking and worrying, and trying to calm myself down, of walking so fucking fast and don’t give a shit about my hair or how I look as I walk cos I am thinking too hard.

Work was my relaxation actually. Really. Probably the only thing I look forward to the whole week. See if I am at home, I get scolding from parents, I force myself to do work (and in the end can’t come out with anything good), I can’t go chill out cos obviously I can’t afford to chill and I can’t stay in school cos I will think alot.

I feel I talked alot. I just need to get this out. And I am having an interview with this ridiculous company which I am not even interested in (I was forced to call them by my lecturer). I haven’t have decent sleep for a month. I never went to bed peacefully. I think myself to sleep.

So why isn’t anything going right?

It’s 6.16pm and I basically haven’t done anything for my Applied Illustration. I am suppose be home today to rush and complete the deadline but I just can’t..nothing is going through my head. It’s not that I hate design work. I just wish I can draw..to make everything simplier to do.

I don’t understand why can’t I draw. I need to know how to draw. I am so annoyed with myself. I can’t draw, I can’t paint. I need new hands and brain.

Play haven’t replied me! I emailed him back about the time for interview. I am starting to panic, they don’t want me or something. A photo company replied me, calling me to send in my resume and portfolio..I would, if it is ready. BUT IT IS NOT.

Damn, I am so stressed up with stupid applied and this whole internship thing. I hate thinking about money..for portfolio printing, for daily expanses. Running about, thinking. I don’t know..I am complaining so much. Suddenly everything I looked forward to or love/like doing seem like a chore. I want to do so many things better but I always think I am not capable of that.

I hate this feeling, you feel like a useless piece of crap.

While money can’t buy you alot of things, you can do alot of things with it.

Anyway, The Time Traveler’s Wife will be made into a film. It’s a awesome book, go read it before the film comes out in 2008. It’s faraway but still time runs faster than our 24 hours system. Ok there I go with all the emoing.

I am just feeling like shit now, I don’t know. Maybe it’s the PMS, maybe it’s the tiredness, maybe I am lonely, maybe I really am that terrible.

Ok Happy Valentine’s Day everyone. I hate Valentine’s, I never had a date.

I am so sleepy, I can almost swear but I won’t if I don’t get some good sleep soon, my brain will dissolve. I haven’t been getting enough sleep for 2 weeks..with early morning shoots, work, school work, late nights and hangovers brought forward to the next hangover.

Denice, Justin and I rented a car for our Landscape class. Yes a real traveling car so we can travel to remote place (ok Singapore not much remote places) conveniently. I didn’t join them this morning but we went Punggol End to shoot in the evening. It feels awesome to have a car man..we went Lower Pierce Reservoir, not nice..straight away leave, no hesitation about traveling cost or money. We have a driver too, Ian. Anyway, the shoot in the evening was ok, the place was abit dark, I was getting restless and emoing. And it didn’t help I got more cuts on my leg and my tripod clam ripped the skin on my palm off.

OH, I got an interview with Play Imaginative! Play Time Mag (a local toy magazine) is under them. I saw Denice calling up the company she wanted, and the guy seem keen, so i panicked. If I don’t find one soon, Nancy is going to arrange for us. While Denice was away, I used her laptop and sent out emails to companies (since the last batch all turned me down). Play Imaginative replied really fast..I will be arranging an interview with them soon. I emailed a photographer in Bangkok too, he told me he has to turn me down cos he just accepted a Swedish intern. Damnit, so if I emailed him earlier, I might have gotten it.

I guess my hopes of going OSIP is not possible. We will see how. For the time being, it’s just waiting, getting stressed, spending tonnes of money on my portfolio, not sleeping..yup.

Other then shooting, the interview reply, nothing much happened except getting damn cranky and sleepy.

So goodbye.

I am sleepy.
I smell of coffee.
I am tired.
I need to do my work.
I don’t want to do my work.
I am not sleeping tonight.
But I really want to sleep.
Damn.

Goodbye.